Arguments, fights, tiffs, quarrels, disagreements, misunderstandings, whatever you call them, are bound to happen here and there in marriage. If a couple says they have never even disagreed before, they are lying to you and themselves! haha. Whether it’s a large or small matter, and consistent or rare. Trevor and I have our tiffs just like everybody else. We have moments when our minds are not in sync with each other. We have differing opinions at times. We have moments when we are not aware of one another’s thoughts and feelings. We have moments that we get off track from what matters most. This is expected in marriage, but it’s also expected that you get back to being a team again :)
The Beach comparison
Maybe it’s that part of my brain is still in Hawaii, haha, but I relate these frustrating moments to being on a beautiful beach. :) It’s so great putting your feet in the sand, and the wind blowing through your hair, and you have your best friend there to enjoy it with. It’s great until rainy clouds start honing in, and darken the sky. There’s no rain yet, but those clouds are doing everything they can to block that warm sunlight from your view. And instead of being warm and cuddled in each other’s arms, we only walk side by side, trying to protect ourselves from the wind. All we want is for those clouds to depart, but we’re not sure how.
Sometimes when the storms come we want to protect ourselves. We can be hurt enough that we’d rather not grab each other and shield ourselves from the crazy rain, let alone share our umbrella with them! I’m guilty of this at times, especially when we were first married. But I have also gotten much better at this. I try and put my umbrella above Trevor, too, not just above me. I’m not saying I don’t hesitate at times or that I do this every time, but I gotta give myself some credit here. I’ve noticed the times I do this, our tiffs go over better. The storm doesn’t feel so insurmountable, and the storm even subsides a little quicker.
Not every couple “fights” the same, though, so maybe your beach scene doesn’t sound exactly like mine. That’s OK because you can still relate to the main part: We all feel the heaviness of those storm clouds on some level, and we worry they will poor rains of doubt on a situation that most of the time isn’t actually that bad. It takes a lot of effort paired with a long-term perspective to remember you’re on the same team, that you can get passed the difficult situation, or that the disagreement really doesn’t matter anymore.
I used to think it was so difficult to salvage the rest of the night after a tiff occurs. But going to Hawaii and experiencing their weather helped me see that it’s actually not so difficult. For those of you who have been to Hawaii, you’ll remember the rain there can be funny. It could be pouring down one minute then totally cleared up the next minute, leaving only a humid feel on the ground to tell you that it did rain. Even when it sprinkles it’s so light and not very noticeable. This comparison reminds me that it’s possible to recover quickly and move on from some of the tiffs we have in our marriages :)