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Lord of the Rings Risk, playing games, married fights, winning, losing

On Thursday, I was shamefully watching the daytime talk show, “The View” (I know, I stooped that low, don’t judge me), and I was saddened by some of the comments that were being said about marriage to their guest co-host, Candace Cameron Bure (she played DJ from “Full House”). She came out with a recent book, so they discussed some of her ideals on marriage that were written in that book. They asked her about why she feels that being a submissive wife to her husband, is best, and why it has worked in her relationship. Though these women of the show are always obnoxiously trying to voice their opinion (loudly) over each other, on any and every topic, a few of the women made their opinions clear. One host, Jenny McCarthy, asked Candace if she ever wins an argument against her husband because of her choosing to be submissive. Though I don’t know if I necessarily agree with all of Candace’s ideals on the partnership of being submissive in marriage, I admire how she answered that question: “It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about supporting each other.”

The lawyer approach

It’s very surprising to me how many people have a distorted view on what marriage is, and what it should be. I mean really, Jenny McCarthy? Winning an argument? Is that what your marriage is focused on, winning or losing arguments? Last time I checked, I was on the same team as my husband… We win or lose together. When we disagree and choose to not work towards a compromise, it’s a lose-lose situation. I think that when we start to focus on winning an argument, that’s when things can get worse. It’s as if we become like lawyers, trying to think of the most compelling argument, which sometimes ends up including hurtful digs on the defense. Though I’m sure we all have fallen into this mindset at some point, I don’t think it’s the right thing to do.

Different views

I guess I shouldn’t direct all my confusion and frustration at just Jenny McCarthy, or the other women on the show, because so many people have this take on marriage, and I almost don’t blame them. We are surrounded by media that portrays all kinds of marriages on a daily basis. We are lead to believe that things like cheating, and pornography are inevitable or acceptable in a marriage. Or even the smaller things we are lead to believe are acceptable and expected in a marriage, like yelling at each other when arguing is natural and normal, or that it’s OK to make big decisions without talking to your spouse first. And then we see these examples play out in real life from the couples around us, with cultural factors coming into play as well. I know my culture has played a huge role in the way I view marriage, and I realize that not everyone is going to agree on those views. And I guess that’s fine, it just makes me sad still.

I firmly believe that unity is the biggest key to a successful marriage. It’s important to be unified and understanding on decisions, and feelings. I have seen the good and bad consequences come from a lack of unity in marriage, and I’m sure many of you have seen that too. If we strive to be on the same team, I know our marriages can be more successful.

Keepin' marriage fresh,
Amy

2 Comments

  • I agree on your views about winning/losing. Partners should not be fighting each other. We do far too much of that and the divorce rate shows it. But I do imagine that Jenny’s comment was probably more lighthearted.

    What I struggle with is comparing cheating with pornography. Because what if both partners WANT to view pornography and do so together, consensually? I know that the LDS church puts heavy shame on pornography and masturbation, but it’s not always that sordid. Cheating is a different matter. It’s the betrayal of your partner, without their knowledge or consent. Pornography isn’t as soul-destroying as you are lead to believe. Will it have a place in my future marriage? Probably not. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the root of all evil.

    Although I am not LDS I enjoy reading your blog and had some questions that I was hoping you could help shed some light on, if you don’t mind. How do you view long-term partnerships between couples who just don’t feel the need to make it legal and call it a marriage? Do you think it’s the same as being married? Why do you think the LDS church puts so much emphasis on making it legal? I can’t help but feel it all comes down to sex. Both the physical act in itself but also it’s role in making babies. I also had a suggestion for a post. I’d love to hear about transitioning from being engaged to being married and all that signifies in the LDS church. Thanks for your time! =]

    • Hi Chloe! Thank you for your response, and sharing your opinions. I would be happy to try answering some of your questions.

      Marriage and family are very important in my beliefs, and to the LDS church. My husband and I married because we loved each other, and wanted to commit ourselves to only each other, being legally bound, and eternally bound. We, as a part of the LDS church, believe that when we are sealed by proper authority in our temple, we can be together forever. I’m so grateful to have that eternal connection with Trevor! We believe that sex should be between marriage only, sharing that with only one person. I understand that not everyone agrees with that, but I’ve been very blessed to avoid heartache, because I’m with one person who will only be with me.

      I believe that pornography can be very damaging to our lives. I’ve seen that first-hand from family and friends, and I have seen the affects it has on the person participating, as well as those who care about them. Marriages should be between a man and a woman, and I feel that viewing pornography either alone or together, would be going against that, by including other people in the intimate parts of marriage. No matter the setting, we believe God has asked us not to participate in it, so it’s something we choose to adhere to.

      I know that if both spouses avoid pornography and follow other counsels we’ve been given, I know that can lead to a happy marriage. I have seen this in my own marriage. :) If you have more questions about these topics, mormon.org can help, or feel free to email me at amy@freshlymarried.com. Thank you for your comments!

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