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why I choose not to wear a bikini, saving sexiness for our husbands, modesty, lingerie, lingerie in marriage, opinions on bikinis, what a bikini does to your marriage, marriage advice, newlywed advice, marriage specialist

Feel free to LISTEN to this blog post below!

There have been some interesting findings that have come from a blog post I wrote a few months ago, and I would like to share those with you.

A few months back, I wrote my long-held opinion on bikinis, in the post: “Save it For Your Husband.” I suggest reading it if you haven’t yet, as it can shed some more light on this current post. The main points I brought up were how bikinis are in many ways, immodest, and how bikinis are pretty much lingerie in a different fabric. The biggest point I made, however, was how I think wearing bikinis in public can be disrespectful to husbands. The reason I said that was because special parts of your body are more revealed than normal, and they are revealed to everybody — with an emphasis on teenage boys and men. I proposed the question of whether husbands feel like their wife wearing a bikini in public was inappropriate or not. Though I’m not sure if anyone had this conversation with their spouse, I’ve gotten a feeling in the past two months, that I’m not the only one questioning it…

Here’s why:

I looked at the analytics of our blog, specifically at the phrases people searched for that brought them to our blog. Ever since I wrote that post, more than half of the search phrases had something to do with my question. Here are a few of those phrases searched for:

  • “do men like it when their wife wears a bikini”

  • “Bikini in front of husband”

  • “bikini wives”

  • “do husband like when their wives wear revealing clothes”

  • “I don’t wear sexy dress because I respect my husband”

  • “should a wife wear a bikini”

  • “tiny bikini with friends OK?”

This doesn’t necessarily mean that this is a common thing people question. However, it tells me that people are not only questioning it, but they are thinking about it enough to prompt an internet search for understanding of it. There was also a phrase that particularly made me sad to see in the results:

“how to tell your friend not to wear skimpy bikini in front of your husband.”

HOW UNCOMFORTABLE AND DISAPPOINTING IS THAT SITUATION?! Aside from how it can make your own husband feel, there’s also the possibility that you are disrespecting your friend and her husband by wearing that bikini. This was something I didn’t think about in the original post, and after seeing that searched phrase, I felt like it was anothEr important and startling reason to choose not to wear a bikini.

why I choose not to wear a bikini, saving sexiness for our husbands, modesty, lingerie, lingerie in marriage, opinions on bikinis, what a bikini does to your marriage, marriage advice, newlywed advice, marriage specialist


The instigator

Our choices affect so many people, whether or not we are aware of that. This experience of sharing my opinion about the immodesty of bikinis and these findings, have taught me how important our choices in clothing truly are. Even if you feel that your outfit is acceptable, it could make someone else feel uncomfortable. I know that we are all in control of our own emotions. No one makes us feel a certain way; we can choose to feel uncomfortable by a person’s outfit. But why would you want to put someone in that position in the first place? We could say the same thing about thinking inappropriate thoughts — we can choose to think those things about a woman wearing a bikini, but those thoughts have to be instigated by something… that something is most likely the half-naked body standing in front of them.

Again, I hate offending people, but I have to share my strong opinion against bikinis. I can’t help but feel like the reason women wear them is for sex appeal; To know that they are making heads turn, catching the attention of men and women. They certainly don’t look like they would be the comfortable clothing choice in going down a water slide, so that’s the conclusion I have come to. It’s fine if you want to get the attention of your husband. I mean, what woman doesn’t want that? It’s a fun and sexy part of marriage, but should it include everyone else’s husbands or sons?

There are other ways to feel good about your body, and there are other ways that people can notice your gorgeous figure without having to reveal intimate parts of your body. Again, just save it for your husband.

Keepin' marriage fresh,
Amy

15 Comments

  • Well, one thing you may not think about is that it feels good to lay in the sun and feel it against your uncovered body. This is why nude beaches are a thing (I haven’t been). It isn’t solely about sex appeal–some people just love being in the sun. In some situations it may indicate a wife’s lack of confidence to wear a bikini, which couls hurt a relationship.

  • My wife has a great body and often–not always–wears clothing one might define as “revealing”–yoga pants, bikinis of various types, tops with lower cuts, form-fitting clothing, etc. None of this bothers me in the least. When we’re at the beach or a pool with our son, she’s much more conservative with her swimwear. When we go out as a family, again, much more conservative. But if we’re together–just the two of us–she’ll wear a thong bikini (if at water) or “revealing” clothing (if out on the town) and I actually like it. The best way I know to describe how she sometimes dresses is that it creates a lot of sexual energy between us that builds throughout the day and then “erupts” at some point, meaning really intense sex. So it’s all good.

  • Ok. Maybe it’s because I’m a male but when I read the beginning of this post I thought I had finally found someone that agrees with me. But then I read the rest of the comments and it seems like I missed the point of the post or everyone drifted away from the part of “respecting the husband” and made it about being comfortable in your own skin and wearing what you are comfortable with and the opinions of other people ect ect.. Getting back to the respect thing. My wife and I have been married for 15yrs and this is something that has bothered me most of those 15yrs. In my eyes (and most other men as well) my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and there is nothing that makes me more happier than having her by my side when we’re out somewhere. I tell my self everyday I got lucky when she said “I Do”. And no I’m not a hobbit (tall, smart, and very easy on the eyes) or the jealous husband type. But I feel the same about women and bikinis in public. It’s really no different then wearing a bra and panties in public. And actually the bikinis today are more revealing then undies. Oh and don’t get me started on “yoga pants”. Sooo.. What’s a man to do? When I said something to my wife about it I was instantly asked if I was “one of those jealous types” and that was followed up with “oh, I hope you don’t think you own me and can control what I wear”. Then, of course, she told all her friends and we all know how that ended up. I’ve brought it up again a few times over the years and when I do I just get the eye role and the head shake with no attempt to talk about it. Now I know she knows it bothers me but still does it and doesn’t seem to care that it bothers me. Wow! I can’t believe I’m actually sharing this info with people I don’t even know! Anyways. I guess I’m not alone when I feel disrespected and what really compounds it for me. It’s the fact that she won’t ever wear lingerie for me in the privacy of our own house but can walk around, pretty much half naked, in a bikini in public in front of people she don’t even know. She says she doesn’t like the way her body looks in lingerie. And what I’m calling lingerie is a lace tank top and lace short set. Nothing freaky or even tight. I really don’t get it and can’t say anything to her about it or I get accused of being jealous or controlling.
    Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas to help me deal my situation?

    • This is a tough position to be in! I think you’re right, maybe what frustrates you the most is that she isn’t respecting your opinion and feelings, and doesn’t understand the root of it. I would try expressing it using the ABC Formula (another article on freshlymarried.com that walks you through how to have these difficult conversations in a respectful and calm manner, while focusing on each person being heard.) I do understand the parts others have said about being in control of what you wear and being comfortable in your own skin. And that wasn’t what I was going for. I’m all about that too. But the heart of this article really is about what you’ve said — respecting your husband’s opinion about how your body is displayed to the world. I would definitely talk about this with your wife and help her understand your perspective and come to some sort of happy medium. Maybe you wouldn’t feel as bad about her wearing what she wants in public if she was dressing up for you at home. So maybe that is a compromise that you could make. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this! You’re not alone!

  • Reading this and the original post was just bizarre for me. Especially the ask your husband bit. I think i rather have the opposite problem from you haha. If i ask him what he wants me to wear to the pool I’ll end up in not much more than strings. And dont even get me started on the stuff he tries to get me to wear to work. Ive ended up with the wardrobe of a mega slut all from things hes bought me to wear out together. I think its his way of trying to show off his prize almost. Its embarrassing but i dont really mind too much. Just have to fight not to have too much showing haha

    • This sounds similar to my situation but often he makes me feel uncomfortable by what and where he wants me to wear revealing clothing. I can’t make him understand. He gets angry if I don’t.

  • While I appreciate where you are coming from, too much of this thinking can also become toxic. Where is the line drawn regarding what is offensive and what’s not? Some Muslim cultures cover women in burkas from head to toe as to not be overly revealing to men. In Turkey right now, the citizens are fighting to not have the current president make wearing a head scarf a law on the women. Hair on a woman is considered one of our best “weapons” so to speak. Additionally, a lot more women are wearing bikinis who weren’t before due to the body positive movement. Some have had eating disorders and fought their natural weight to be “beach ready” and are now embracing their natural weight. They have the confidence to show a bit more skin. They’ve come a long way to celebrate their curves! Why can’t we love them too and say “you go girl”? What needs fixing is the minds of those who turn something fun into something erotic.

  • What a great post. I completely agree with your stance on this topic. I try my best to dress in a flattering, yet modest way. However, I am guilty of occassionally wanting to “flaunt” more because of what others are wearing. My husband has never complained about the way I dress. However, when we’re with friends at the beach or pool, and I’m the only one not wearing the skimpy suit, it can be difficult to not let that affect my self esteem. I definitely don’t blame other women for dressing in a way that makes them feel comfortable. But, how do I deal with those feelings of I guess jealousy(??) for lack of a better word.

    • I’ve struggled with that too, Ronnie. I think we all have. Some readers could say that we should stop worrying about what other people wear, and that I should stop blaming them for making other people feel comfortable. I already said that we all have a choice to have an emotional reaction to what someone wears, but something has to initiate our uncomfortable feelings, or even jealous feelings. Like you said, you can’t help but feel that sometimes. I think the second part of this dilemma is having a strong sense of self-worth for ourselves so we don’t get jealous or feel bad about ourselves. I think as long as you feel comfortable with what you are wearing and you feel like it flatters YOUR body, then you shouldn’t feel jealous. :) Thanks for commenting!

  • Another interesting and well worded post, Amy! I enjoyed reading it a lot. Your posts always stir up inner dialogue, even if we don’t always agree, and that is a sign of great writing skill! =]

  • I completely agree. My husbands whole family is under the impression that after you are married it’s completely acceptable and logical to wear a bikini whenever and wherever. Doesn’t that seem so backwards? I feel more than ever now that I want to avoid drawing excessive attention to my body because it is not just mine anymore.

    • Haha, that does kind of seem backwards, B. It’s probably because they are thinking, “well it’s OK now, because my husband has seen my body and it’s OK for him to think about me.” What about everyone else seeing your body and thinking about you?
      That’s why I’m all for people dressing however they want when they are in the privacy of their own home with their spouse, but that shouldn’t apply for the public audience. Thank you for commenting! I really like how you used the phrase, “drawing excessive attention,” because everyone likes to feel noticed when wearing a cute outfit, but there are subtle ways to achieve that, and then there are excessive ways to achieve that. I think that’s a great goal :)

    • It is absolutely just yours. You make the decision to share it with your partner, but that doesn’t make it theirs. Logically, if it becomes theirs then you no longer have control over it and don’t have the power to take it back.

    • I remember your concerns about people thinking they don’t have control over their own body anymore when they get married. Your concerns are valid. I think the meaning behind saying “it is not just mine anymore,” is that when you get married (or I guess when you become sexually active) your body is shared with someone else. I don’t think that means someone has control over your body, but that the things you do or say (or what you wear), can reflect on, or represent your spouse.

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