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I think one of the biggest hangups a couple can have when it comes to their sex life is not understanding their own sexuality first. It makes me sad that so many married people don’t even understand this huge part of their life and who they are. Which is like, the basis of a satisfying sex life for both husband and wife!
Why it’s important
SOOOO I want to talk just a little bit about this. And I’m going to use an excellent new resource I found that will help explain things so well! It’s a book called “Knowing Her Intimately” by Laura M. Brotherson which works through “12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage.” Laura says that in order to have a flourishing sexual relationship in marriage, women should be willing to go through some mental exercises, calibration, and even discipline. Some of these mental exercises are thinking about what motivates you for sex. How do your attitudes, beliefs, expectations, and past experiences affect your sexual self-concept? As well as how in tune you are with your sexy side. When you know the answers to these kinds of questions, not only will your sex “flourish” like what Laura said above, but you will also be able to better identify problem areas and tackle those problem areas.
For this blog post, it’s a focus mainly for women, providing them some How-to’s for embracing your sexual identity, as suggested from “Knowing Her Intimately.” I’ll share some of her suggestions, as well as my own!
Ways to Embrace Your Sexual Identity
- Reprogram your mind with positive, healthy sexual messages. Read/listen to books like hers and blog posts like mine.
- Keep away from negative unhealthy sexual messages. Sometimes we can’t prevent it, and other times we can. When I’ve just come from a movie where sex is depicted or talked about in a casual and vulgar way, it negatively influences my beautiful perspective of sex. And honestly, there have been times where even a few hours later it affects my ability to get in the mood. So doing your best to avoid these kinds of negative messages can help keep your mind positive.
- Build up your own self-confidence with some positive affirmations. For example, when you’re getting ready for the day, tell yourself things like “Those jeans hug my butt perfectly!” or “I really love how I did my hair today.”
- Figure out where and how you like to be touched or caressed through a massage. Laura suggests that you ask your spouse for just an exploratory massage that doesn’t lead to sex to help you do this.
- Go shopping for some lingerie. Try some different outfits on and think about what you like about them and why. I think we tend to shop for what we think our husbands will like, but honestly, I think they will like anything! So choose something YOU love. The more YOU love it, the more you’ll feel a part of the sexual experience. For me personally, this has helped me a lot. I have felt so comfortable shopping from Mentionables because they don’t show their pieces on half-naked models, which makes me feel more confident with my own body! I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model in them but I feel confident and sexy, and I know my husband can sense that confidence and sexiness, which is all that matters.
- Write in a sexual self-discovery journal. This is where you can write down your thoughts on questions about how you learned about sex, what it means to you, You can also think about the past times where you had amazing sexual experiences with your spouse, and ask yourself what aspects of that made it so wonderful to you. Some other questions she suggests answering for yourself are: “What would I have to change or give up if I fully embraced my sexuality?” and “What would it mean to my husband if I fully embraced my sexuality?”
- Get educated. Let’s face it, I think most of our parents didn’t do a good job talking to us about the birds and the bees. But at the same time, there’s a point in your life where you have to educate yourself. AND there are certain aspects that you have to understand for yourself, like this whole topic on your sexual identity! Again, you can do this by reading good resources, getting information from your doctor, etc.
- One I HIGHLY suggest is Laura’s first book: “And They Were Not Ashamed.” Both my husband and I read it as we were preparing for marriage and sexual intimacy and it was very educational on both the male and female body. This is not a plug at all, I’m telling you honestly that this book prepared us for beautiful sexual intimacy and has been blessing our lives since!
- Address negative sexual beliefs and past experiences with a professional. I recommend this especially for those who have been victims of sexual abuse. They can help you and your husband find ways to prevent trauma from resurfacing. You should work through anything that is interfering with your current sexual relationship.
- Connect with your body through dance and music. I think of this as listening to “baby-making music” haha. Why do people label certain songs like that? I think it’s because they feel a change of mood to be more sensual, and maybe it makes their body move a certain sexy way.
One thing that I think is significant to remember that Laura suggests is to make sure your motivation for understanding your sexuality is for you, not just for your spouse. Sexual intimacy should be a mutually enjoyable experience for you and your spouse.
Please be reassured that it’s GOOD to think about these things. Without knowing these things, you can’t fully communicate with your spouse about sex, and therefore it will have a harder time progressing.
GIVEAWAY – CLOSED!
There are SOOOO many things that I want to share from her book that I absolutely agree with, as well as other things I’ve been inspired about with sexual intimacy. So plenty more sexual intimacy blog posts to come where I’ll include snippets from this and other helpful resources that help strengthen sexual intimacy.
For now, though, you can enter to win your own copy of this book right now, as well as other awesome prizes like a $40 Victoria’s Secret gift card so you can try out one of the suggestions above and get some new lingerie!!! Look at this prize package worth $100!
- 1 Victoria Secret $40 gift card
- 1 copy of the “Knowing Her Intimately” book by Laura M. Brotherson
- 1 “Wife life is the best life” t-shirt
- 1 “Wifey” headband
- 1 “Ring for sex” bell (haha)
There are multiple ways you can enter, and the more you do, the more entries you get!
- Sign up for the Freshly Married newsletter at www.freshlymarried.com!
- Do this right at the top of the home page or just click here.
- any new email addresses added during the giveaway period will be considered an entry)
- Comment on this blog post something you love about your spouse!
- Like this giveaway announcement on the Freshly Married facebook page
- Contest ends Sunday, March 19th @ 11:59 PM MST. One grand prize winner will be announced Monday, March 20th.
- Participants must be 18+ and live in the U.S.
- This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with Facebook. You understand that you are providing your information to the owner of this Facebook page and not to Facebook.
BIG WINNER: EDITH VARGAS! CONGRATULATIONS!
And because I am having the hardest time just choosing one winner, I decided to draw two more names randomly, to give them a “Wife Life” t-shirt! Those two winners are: Carli, and Kortney!)
The winners have been emailed and have 48 hours to claim their prize or it will go to a runner-up.