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having children, pregnancy pressure, pressure to have children, being an aunt

Remember when you first got married, and there’s that one (or more for some of us) person who makes the comment, “So when are you going to start having babies?” I’m sure we can all think of someone who said that to us, right? Some of them are just funny little grandmas just waiting to have more cheeks to pinch! But others can ask in an interrogative way about it, as if they may be upset if you give an answer that doesn’t include the thought of immediately having a child. This example, along with other things can cause a feeling of pressure to build up among someone.

Has this happened to you before?

It has in a friend of mine. I asked her to anonymously give her thoughts on this subject, to help our readers get a better picture of what effect this pressure can have on someone.


“I feel like there is this immense pressure to get married and start cranking out babies. I’m only 22. I feel like I’m still so young. I can sit here and say that we want to be financially stable, or I want to finish school… blah blah blah. But the point is, I will have babies when we feel it is the right time. It is such a sacred decision. Ultimately it’s between you, your husband, and God. No one else.  I hate when I am asked “so you’ve been married for almost a year now, when are you going to have kids?” Or “Are you pregnant yet?” Like it’s expected that that’s what needs to be going on in my life right now. Frankly, it’s no one else’s business.

I also feel super strongly that it is important to build a relationship with your husband before children come into the mix. I’m sure this statement offends some, but I think your relationship with your husband is more important than that of the children’s relationship. Afterall, who is going to be their good example? Who is going to teach them to love and respect their spouses? How can I do that if I haven’t fully learned how? No one will ever be 100% prepared to have children, but it’s all about the timing, and when you feel Heavenly Father is ready to send you one of his precious spirits.”


I have to agree with her point of view. I will first say, however, that I actually haven’t felt a lot of pressure from those around me, to start having children. I’ve only had a few friends who have made baby announcements recently, and have only had a few comments said to me. When this happens, these are my genuine thoughts, “I’m so happy for so-and-so! They will make a great mom!” I don’t feel a large pressure for us to try getting pregnant, because to be honest, a child is just not something we are wanting right now, nor are we ready for. Of course, if I found out tomorrow that I was pregnant for some reason, my feelings would change and I would love it to death, and make things work. Right now, we are just continuing to develop and enjoy our relationship.

Children are soooo stinkin’ cute!

I don’t want anyone to think I don’t like the idea of having kids. I love children! Trevor makes fun of me because I re-watch videos taken of my nieces and nephew, about 18 times in a day.

having children, pregnancy pressure, pressure to have children, being an aunt
These are our nieces and nephew. We love them so much! It has been such a joy to be their aunt. These are the only children Trevor and I are enjoying right now.

There is definitely nothing wrong with having kids! It just happens at a different time in life for everyone. It’s easier for me to not get tied up in other couples’ timelines because that is their timeline. I do not have to follow what anyone else is doing, because like the friend above said, that is between each couple and God.

Keepin' marriage fresh,
Amy

2 Comments

  • We were married for 13 years before we had our child. I was in no rush, then we started trying only because all of our married couple friends were starting their families, not because I had a burning desire to have a baby. We found out after a year that we were infertile, so we considered our options for children. After talking about it and thinking about it, we decided we were ok without kids and went on with our lives. The pressure from others was intense and and never ending. They thought we should at least try invitro or adopt. People gave us tons of unsolicited advice on the subject. Someone actually told us we should go on a trip or vacation alone to have some stress free couple time, which is all we always had anyway, including travelling all over the world! We were surprised and blessed 7 years later, 13 years into the marriage with our daughter. I am so glad we had all that time without her to have a strong foundation as a couple, lots of activities, outings, and pursue hobbies and interests as adults. It also helps that we were well established in our careers and financially sound, which was one less stress when our lives changed to the crazy and wonderful state it is now. I’m not saying our way is better on a marriage, I have no way of knowing if that is true. Being older parents has it’s issues also, like people assuming you are your own kids grandma, and being 15 years older than your child’s peers parents, etc. Bottom line, people shouldn’t pressure other people on their lifestyle and family planning. I used to get asked all the time, when am I going to have another, and that is another form of pressure that I am fortunate enough to have a Mom’s of Only Children group to discuss with!

    • Thanks for sharing Leisa! I admire your patience and just being content with your decision despite what other people said to you. I’m glad you brought up that the pressure seems to continue even after you finally do have your first child. I can imagine the pressure just gets more complex and maybe even a little bit more intrusive at that point. So thank you for sharing your experience with this!

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